Jokes (Selection / Page 2)

Here are some of the jokes that I enjoyed and some which I thought were well thought out. They might contain offensive language or thoughts. But thats a relative term. What is offensive to you may not be perceived so by me. As long as it is not the other way round, it is fine by me. Just kidding! The best way to find out whether this material is siutable for your is to read it completely and then judge it. If its not your kinda language just forget all you read right away and never read it again.

Naming conventions	Star Trek Lost Chapter	Euro English
The F word	Speak English	Motivation (see downloads)
Jokes Page 1

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Naming Conventions

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
(Geordi) "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

...15 Minutes Later...

(Data) "Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F..."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what do your scanners show?"
(Data) "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

...Two Hours Pass...

(Riker) "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
(Riker) "Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans, sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers!!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but appearently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape.' It often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."
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by Matthew L. Seidl email: seidl@soda.berkeley.edu

Euro English

Check this out, the European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'w' by 'v'.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

The F Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive
(John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was Fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb, (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck, she's also stupid). As you can see there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:

1. Greetings ............. "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud .................... "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation .......... "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble ................. "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression ............ "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust .................. "Fuck me."
7. Confusion .............. "What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure ........... "Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost ....................... "where the fuck are we?"
10. Disbelief ............. "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11. Retaliation .......... "Up your fucking ass!"
12. Apathy ................ "Who really gives a fuck?"
13. Suspicion ............. "Who the fuck are you?"
14. Directions ............ "Fuck off."
15. Difficulty .............. "I don't understand this fucking business!"
16. Despair ................ "Fucked again..."
17. Pleasure ............... "I couldn't be fucking happier."
18. Denial ................... "I didn't fucking do it."
19. Perplexity ............. "I know fuck all about it."
20. Panic .................... "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Surprise ................ "How the fuck did you do that?"

It can be used in business: "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be political: "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It can be maternal: "MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time: "It's fucking four twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description: "He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that."~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we Have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
"Let the fucking woman drive." ~Commander of Space Shuttle~
"What fucking map?" - "Challenger," ~Mark Thatcher~
"How the fuck did you work that out?" ~Pythagoras~
"The Courts decided fucking what ?" ~Bill Gates~
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" ~Edmund Hilary~
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" ~Joan of Arc~
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." ~Noah~
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." ~John F. Kennedy~
"Where the fuck is Waterloo?" ~Napoleon Bonaparte~
"Where the fuck is Malta ?" ~Adolf Hitler~

Speak English?

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find...that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple; English muffins
were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of choose?
One index, two indices?
If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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