Jokes (Selection / Page 1)
Here are some of the jokes that I enjoyed and some which I thought were well thought out. They might contain offensive language or thoughts. But thats a relative term. What is offensive to you may not be perceived so by me. As long as it is not the other way round, it is fine by me. Just kidding! The best way to find out whether this material is siutable for your is to read it completely and then judge it. If its not your kinda language just forget all you read right away and never read it again.
Now, keep that smile on your face and send our website link to someone else!!
Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted
to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest
and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Medical School
Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started
the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have
2 important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the
dead body,withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated
and subsequently taking turns,sunk their finger in the ass of the dead
body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:"The
second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and
sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"
Speeding?!
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks
for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but
my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."
The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the
glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car
in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed
her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he
radios for back-up.
When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks
up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers
license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real
name and information.
The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's
in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens
the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and
everything seems in order.
Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The
guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told
him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!"
How to impress
...a women
Compliment her,respect her,honour her,cuddle her,kiss her,
caress her,love her,stroke her,tease her,comfort her,protect her,hug
her,
hold her,spend money on her,wine and dine her,buy things for her,listen
to her,
care for her,stand by her,support her,hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
... a man
Show up naked. Bring food.
Breaking news
Ken, and his friend Joe were watching the 8 o'clock news.The newscaster
was reporting the story of a middle aged man who threatend to jump off
the ledge of a 6th floor office block."I bet you five hundred bucks
he will jump straight off the ledge" says Joe.
"I'll take that bet," Ken replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man
had, indeed, jumped from the building. Joe, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to Ken and tells him that he does
not need to pay the $500.
"No, a bet's a bet," Ken replies, "I owe you 500 dollars."
Joe, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 6:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," Ken replies, "I saw it earlier too, but
I didn't think he'd do it again."
Child psychology
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old,
Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father
appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.
Love and affection
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling
her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I
think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you
still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said,
"I forgot her name about ten years ago."
What we need
I asked for Strength.........And God gave me Difficulties to make me
strong.
I asked for Wisdom.........And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.........And God gave me brain and brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.........And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.........And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors.........And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted........I received everything I needed!
Memory
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.One
lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning,I
was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether
I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says,
"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge
of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had
just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as
it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled
look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
NAVAL Authority
A true tale of American intelligence (or lack of it)!!!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
imminent collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North
to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Blonde Joke
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
Sex and Emotions
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head (purple head?) and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, Corinne and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up (as it does), we start touching, feeling (it's
OK, it won't get any more graphic than that) and I am thinking tonight's
the night! Then out of no where she says, "I don't feel like it,
I just
want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??"
So she says the words that I, and every husband on the planet dreads.
She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as
a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realise that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went
to sleep.
A couple of days later we went shopping in Edinburgh. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then says that she wants matching shoes worth £150 each (each pair -- not each shoe!) to which I say "OK." And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one sandwich short of a picnic, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think she was taken aback when I told her that she could have it.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and she said, "I'm
ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
Maybe it was a bit unkind when I said, "No, I don't feel like buying
all this stuff now."
Her face went completely blank. I then said, "Really darling! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You must not be in tune
with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring of 2007.
At the barber shop
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About 2
hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
at the
shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy
leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
and
says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in
the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he
goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
Speaking clock
At the end of a big night out, young Sean O'Reilly brings a few mates back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the other blokes are rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge room. "What's that big brass gong for, Sean?" one of the visitors asks. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock," Sean replies. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", Sean says and gives the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screams, "For fecks sake, you wanker! It's twenty to two in the fecking morning!!"
At the bar
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" "I have a picture of my wife in there," the man replies. "And when she looks good enough, I'll go home."
COURSES AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN (obviously taught by men...)
Women think they already know everything -- but wait, training courses
are
now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before.
Talk, talk, talk
A husband, looking through the newspaper, came upon a study that said
women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife his long-held view that women in general,
and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study
results.The report stated: "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but
women use 30,000."
His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband "It's
because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said "What?"
Court witness
In a trial, a southern US small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife
with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "if either
of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
Colin the rooster
Colin the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Colin. The farmer takes Colin home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk."I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, " the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Colin seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Colin took off like a shot. WHAM! Colin nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Colin is in there. Later, the farmer sees Colin after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Colin out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Colin on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard, vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Colin, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Colin opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
At the Pearly Gates
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter says to the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi- driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I get a simple cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; but while this guy drove, people prayed."
Maltese Technology
After digging to a depth of 100 m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years
ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, Amercan scientists
dug 200 m and headlines in the US papers said: "US scientists have
found traces of 2000 years old optical fibres, and have concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000
years earlier than the Russians".
One week later, the Maltese press reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 500 metres, our (Maltese) scientists have found absolutely
nothing. Therefore we (Maltese) concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors
were already using mobile phones".
The Miracle Of Toilet Paper
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining
to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breastsfor a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lives, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Hi-Tech Military Computer Technology
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease. To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, "Attack or Retreat?"
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"
The computer instantly replies, "Yes, sir!"
The Priest and the little boy
One fine, sunny morning, a priest took a walk in a nearby forest. He was walking by a small stream when, sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed a sad,sad-looking frog.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain?"
"Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at your very church.
I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted by the wicked
witch of the forest.
'Let me pass!' I cried, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little
boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into the frog you now see
before you."
"That's an incredible story!" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing the witch's spell?"
"Yes," said the frog. "It is said that if a nice kind
person would pick me up, take me home,
give me food and warmth and a good night's sleep, I will wake up as
a boy again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith
picked up the frog and took him home. He gave him lots of food, placed
him by the fire, and at bedtime put the frog
on the pillow beside him. And, lo! miracle of miracles, when he awoke
the next morning, there was the 11 year old Choirboy beside him in bed.
And that, m'lord is the case for the Defence.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE: I raised that chicken. In fact, I laid the egg...yep,
sat on it until it hatched.
I fed it, nurtured it, cared for it when it was sick, sang lullabies
to it at night to help it sleep.
"Look for, the union label..." As a boy, that chicken inspired
me. Yeah, he crossed the road....but only after I made the road safe....hell,
I made the road, and then I regulated it. Won't see any internal combustion
engines on my road, no sirree bob. I made this road for the little people,
not the powerful...for the children....and the chicken....yep, rolled
up my sleeves and made that road.
Why, if it weren't for me, that chicken would have never crossed the
road. And the children wouldn't have that wonderful joke to tell. (You
know, of course, I wrote that joke...)
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken
was going
to the "other side. That's what "they" call it...the
"other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes! the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
GRANDPA: in my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and
we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance
your check book, and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken"
please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black
man.The chicken crossed the black man" in order to trample him
and keep him
down.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Alternative answers (Updated 18th June 2004)
PLATO: For the greater good.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road,
but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
with such a paragon of avian virtue?
In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
JACQUES DERIDA : Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is dead.
NOAM CHOMSKY: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As
of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that
year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions
in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and
some, particularly the ones for chicken bound for slaughter, border
on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless
you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed
roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this
is not what we are told. Instead, we see chicken happily dancing around
on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chicken are not
only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms
is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary
of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages.
For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)
THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and
I'll find out.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
DOUGLAS ADAMS: Forty-two.
NIETZCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the road, the road gazes also across you.
OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.
B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chicken cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.
BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
HOWARD COSELL: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
SALVADOR DALI: The Fish.
DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
EMILY DICKENSON: Because it could not stop for death.
EPICURUS: For fun.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'Cause it fuckin wanted to. That's the fuckin reason.
PYRRHO THE SKEPTIC: What road?
JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed itself of the opportunity.
THE SPHYNX: You tell me.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
KATHERINE MCKINNON: Because, in this patriarchal state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technology and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the frame work for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.
STEPHEN JAY GOULD: It is possible that there is a sociobiological
explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological
stories despite the fact that
we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we
do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure
most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
MALCOLM X: It was coming home to roost.
BILL CLINTON : First, it wasn't a chicken but a cock; second, it crossed the road to get closer to Monika Lewinsky !
Dr. Eddie Fenech Adami: It wanted to go to the EU headquarters to do some more arse licking !
Dr. Alfred Sant: Was doing a survey about the electoral swing in the 1998 elections.
Dr. Wenzu Mintoff: Wanted to know what the hell was Alternattiva doing.
Dom Mintoff: Saw me coming and knew I would catch it to make Kentucky fried.
Dr. Louis Galea: Wanted to get away from the new curriculum
Dr. Ugo Mifsud Bonnici: It's a free country !
GWU Secretary, Tony Zarb: As an honest member of the Union, it followed our instructions for strike action.
FOI Chairman: It wanted to prove who is boss !!
Freeport Chairman: Actually it had no option, the crane broke and a 40 foot container was traveling fast to pulverize it !
Sea Malta Chairperson: We could only provide sea transport,perhaps.
EneMalta Chairman: Electricity was only available on the other side of the street.
Maltacom Chairman: -- .- ..-. .. .- -.-. --- -. Phones were only working on the other side of the street.
Water Services Corporation Chairman: Due to the laying of new pipelines water was only available on the other side of the street.
ALBERT MARSHALL: Wanted to go to Super 1 TV for a better deal in "Under Cover"; the contract for "Ipokriti" was lousy !
MAO TSE-TUNG: Must have seen the tanks charging into Tiananmen
Square
ROBIN COOK: Under instructions from MI5 and the CIA it had to avoid reporters who were after the truth about the Lockerbie affair.
ALAN GREENSPAN: Wanted to convert all its Dollars into Sterling
BILL GATES: The busted wanted a better programme than Windows.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II: Could not stand any more scandals at the Palace.
PRINCE CHARLES: Wanted to have a closer look at Camilla to distinguish properly who was the horse.
CHARLES DE GAULLE: Wanted a closer view of my petit nose !
CIA (undisclosed source): Wanted to reach our HQ to get a better deal on 5 tons of heroin.
POPE JOHN-PAUL II: It wanted it's money deposited with the Banco Ambrosiano from the Vatican.
SLOBODAN MILOSEVIC: It was a member of the KLA and we had to shoot it.
KGB (undisclosed source): Wanted to contact us for a good deal on 1,ooo Scuds for Iraq.
KIM PHILBY: Wanted to join the Cambridge big think tank
BILL WILSON: Man, risen so majestically from the primordial ooze,
is the spearhead of evolution, and thus the only god that this universe
knows...
MOST OF US: Who cares.
Now, keep that smile on your face and send our website link to someone else!!
